I Can Still Feel Him in My Arms

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

is observed by lighting candles on October 15 at 7:00 p.m.

to honor and remember our children.

~

I have felt that I didn't quite fit in this day because

I had not given birth to the infant I lost,

but God surely gave this baby to me.

My first child was not mine but I named him and I loved him.

Spencer was our first foster child.

He was brought straight from the hospital to our arms.

He was beautiful and no one knew at the time

that he had a heart murmur and cystic fibrosis.

His funeral was just 3 months later, on Christmas Eve .

It was a long time ago and yet, I can still feel him in my arms.

You never get over it, but

with God you get through it.

~

Today my daughter lit 4 candles and my heart breaks for her.

~

"..I knew you before I formed you in your mothers womb.."

Jeremiah 1:5

Think Before Using Free E-Cards!!

Do you send e-cards? Are you especially drawn to the FREE card sites? Be Careful How You "Make A Difference' online.

Maybe you were drawn in by the Care2 claim that by sending their cards you will " help save the rain forest". The site uses words like Inspiration, Love, Information and Action. I was introduced to this card site by a family member who loves animals and wants to protect them. And Care2 does love animals! Unfortunately they may love them more than they love human life!

But did you know that your card use could help support stem cell research? Maybe you don't know a lot about stem cell research, in that case they will gladly send you a primer with all the facts. They first get your attention with "sick children".The one thing you need to know is this blatant statement:

".. a tiny ball of cells growing in a culture dish cannot reasonably be equated to a human baby."

I wonder if this was derived after speaking with the parents whose children began in a culture dish?

This is pretty interesting since they list CHRISTIAN eCards in their list of cards available. They also list PAGAN CARDS. They believe in EARTHJUSTICE-Because the earth needs a good lawyer! I'll bet I am not the only one who thinks unborn babies need representation, too!

This is just the kind of web site that a child would be drawn to. The pictures of animals and the Earth friendly ads. Such an easy way to subtly own your child's mind.

Even many who are not christian or who have sick children are uneasy about stem cell research and the direction it could take. Perhaps some doors should never be opened.

Maybe you are in favor of stem cell research, but make sure you have all the facts before you influence your children with complicated ideas. God tells us in scripture:

"Now this is what the Lord Almighty says:

'Give careful thought to your ways.' "

Haggai 1:5

Show CARE 2 that you CARE TOO! Stick with proven Christian free cards such as http://www.crosscards.com/

A Life is A Life, No Matter How Small

I believe what God's word says about life,

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," Jeremiah 1:5

I vote life not pro choice. As far as I know my Christian friends vote the same way. Any of us would be quick to speak for pro life and against pro choice if we were asked our views. We would probably recite scripture to back up our claims. Why then do we act as if we do not believe this? How can we expect the world to understand our pro life view if we do not live as if we believe it.

When my daughter lost her third pregnancy we were heartbroken. We had viewed the ultrasound, we had prayed for the health of this child. We were devastated. Yet, when Christian friends asked how my daughter was doing and I replied, "She has lost her baby." (not a miscarriage) most said things like, "Oh, that happens, she can have another." Since when are human beings so easy to replace as in, "Oh, you dropped your cookie. Here, let me get you another one."

Thankfully there were a few who said, "I am so sorry. or I am sorry your family has to go through this." And I thank God for those few. Most asked intrusive questions, or made shocking remarks. Even from extended family. So much advice to be sifted through. My daughter, and me too, wanted to scream "This is the third time!"

Even her grandmother's first remark was, "How far was she?" This was the # one question. While we realize it is far more difficult to deal with losing a full term baby than an 11 week one, is one a greater tragedy than the other? That is IF we believe what we say we believe. A life is a life. It felt as if the compassion was rationed out based on how far along the pregnancy was.

Then I began to notice that people rationed out their joy and congratulations in the same way. When I announced to my morning exercise buddies that my daughter had just confided that she is pregnant, one of the women quickly remarked, "What is she, 5 days?" "Actually she is 5 weeks", I answered, and then proceeded to give a short lecture on why women do this to other women. Either you are pregnant or you are not pregnant. If you are pregnant then there is a life and if there is a life are we to ignore it until it is of a worthy age?

I think not. If there is life, then I have a grandchild on the way and it would be negligent of me to skip praying for that child because he or she was not "big enough" yet.

So, the result of all the thoughtless, and sometimes hurtful, remarks was that when my Daughter and Son-in-love were blessed with another pregnancy they decided to tell no one. They made this decision in order to avoid the painful remarks if things did not go well. They told me and my husband and my Daughter's boss and allowed me to share with a couple of friends who did not live nearby. So we had a very small prayer team. Eventually they allowed us to share with my son and his wife.

It is stressful keeping secrets, but the need was emphasized for me one Sunday when a friend at church asked about them. I simply said please pray and shared a recent story where an elderly relative had shook his finger at my daughter and said, "You better get to it." He did not know she was pregnant nor did he remember what she had gone through last spring. His shocking remark caused her to feel pressure to provide the family a child. Pressure she did not need. My "friend" said, "Daughter is hyper sensitive" and said it as a criticism. I became pretty hyper sensitive myself and I had to bite my tongue.

So we all held our breathes and prayed until the first ultrasound, all the while trying to hide our joy. A week after the first ultrasound there was a sign of trouble and another ultrasound was performed with a more hopeful outcome. During these weeks every time a the phone rang I was a little apprehensive about answering. When it was my daughter I didn't relax until I heard her sweet calm voice.

One day my daughter and I went shoe shopping and she allowed herself to walk through the baby section of the department store. Excitement creeping in at the thought of sweet babies.

Then came another ultrasound in December and thankfully a new, kinder and more compassionate doctor to give the dreaded news. Even the nurses in this practise said how sorry they were. And this time the hospital staff were even more compassionate because "it's her 4th loss. " For the rest of the world, my daughter dealt with this nightmare alone except for her husband and parents. This time there were no kind church members to bring food or friends to send flowers. We kept the secret so well that three days after undergoing surgery the two of them hosted our annual extended family Christmas party at their home and the guests didn't even know she had lost a child a few days before. Even writing that breaks my heart. They could have cancelled the party but then we would have had to explain why.

Grieving alone. All because we let others steal our joy. There are so many lessons to be learned through this. We shouldn't allow others steal our joy, live what you say you believe, and have mercy, show compassion and empathy for others pain or loss. All you need to do is say "I'm sorry" or simply give a warm hug. Neither of those things will take away the pain, but they won't add to it either. Allow women to grieve, don't try to sweep away their feelings. Every one's grief is different. I grieve not only for my grandchild but for the dream of motherhood for my child. I, also, grieve for my daughter's lost innocence. Life is hard and it is even harder to watch your children suffer. My daughter's grief is different from the worlds grief. She does not grieve as one without hope.

Grief seems more poignant at Christmas, perhaps because our thoughts are on a baby who came to save the world. There are so many reminders of God's love for us and He will magnify our Joy.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. "

James 1:2-3

BEAUTY FOR ASHES part 2

"You are valuable because you exist.

Not because of what you do or what you have done...

but simply because you are!"

~Max Lucado

Tonight I received an e-mail announcement of the birth of a former co-workers first child.

This precious baby girl is healthy and absolutely beautiful. If she were not so perfect would her life be of less value?

Viewing the photo of this baby was a bittersweet moment. While I am extremely happy for the new mother (who will be an excellent parent to her daughter) I feel a stab of pain as I remember another mother whose baby was due this week also. A mother who didn't get to hold her baby, a mother who still waits for God's answer to her prayers.

As October approached, my calendar began to remind me of the date I had written in ink for the approximate day of the birth of my grandchild. Because this was the third loss for my sweet daughter and her dear husband our thoughts and conversations often touch on adoption. I, also, have a daughter in law who was adopted as an infant. The wait for a newborn can be a long one. I think of all the babies that could have been adopted but were aborted.

While working in a non profit created specifically to advocate for neglected and abused children, I was told by my employer that my personal views on abortion were irrelevant. I do not think that they were. I might keep silent regarding my personal political opinions but the protection of children must begin even before they are born. As a christian my belief is a part of me that cannot be left at the door as I enter any arena.

Women can be prosecuted for using drugs that end the life of the unborn and two charges are sometimes brought against the one who murders a pregnant woman. Why, then must we look the other way when women choose to end the lives of their children. Can the agency which protects the rights of children work hand in hand with the agency which assists parents in terminating the life of a child?

I have been privileged to see so much beauty from the ashes of failure. God can take anything and use it for good. I have many friends who have adopted. Serving as a foster parent I had the joy of caring for adoptable children. My heart was broken when those children left my life, but the beauty they left behind is immeasurable. Three of the many boys I have advocated for are currently serving our country in the military. I am so proud of them and more importantly, they are proud of themselves.

Of the many terrible home situations I have witnessed, I have never, even for a second, thought the children should not have been born. The challenge was and is to encourage them to live beyond their obvious limitations whether it be poverty, abuse , physical or mental challenges, or, the most tragic of all, lack of family love and support.

"Children are a gift from God."

Psalm 127:3

Baby Spencer, one of God's beauties!

BEAUTY FOR ASHES part 1

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”

Isaiah 61:3 (KJV)

A friend inquired as to how I reconcile my pro life view with the many children who are born unwanted and then experience unspeakable horror in their short lives. And if thousands upon thousands (millions upon millions) of children were being born instead of being aborted what would happen with over crowding, food supplies, etc?

This doesn't puzzle me as much as why God allowed some to be born in America when many others are born into poverty, war, disease and famine in other countries. The only thing that makes sense is that we are to help those less fortunate than our selves; and, helpless unborn babies are the least fortunate of all. The issue of child abuse or other terrible situations in life is totally separate from the issue of terminating an unborn life. One doesn't justify the other.

I had a mostly rotten childhood. Would it have been better if I had been aborted because I would face abuse at the hands of my parents? It is my history that causes me to care about the suffering of children. It is my history that allowed me to hear the call to be the voice of almost 50 abused and neglected children. It is my history that looks for ways to encourage families who are struggling. And I wouldn't trade the joy I had in my own babies for anything, even a wonderful loving childhood.

Has God brought beauty from the ashes for me? Most definitely, yes. Has my life made a difference? I hope so.
But what is important is that I am thankful for my life and believe every soul should have the same opportunity even if the evil in this world harms or takes away a life.

God is in control but He is not a dictator. Parents who abuse have the opportunity to parent with love. Their wrong choices which cause suffering for others should not cause us to make the wrong choice of ending life instead of protecting it. We can choose to turn our backs or to help.

Maybe the woman's life is easier without the burden of caring for the aborted child. But the child has no life at all. How can one person’s life be more valuable than another? How can the woman's right to choose carry more weight than the baby's right to live?

What if the child who would grow up to discover the cure for cancer has been aborted? Or, will be aborted in the future if someone doesn't change his or her mother's mind?


He gives beauty for ashes

Strength for fear

Gladness for Mourning

Peace for despair


~Crystal Lewis

"..I knew you before I formed you in your mothers womb.." Jerimiah 1:5

A NEW ATTITUDE!

In the blink of an eye my attitude is changed. I was very concerned about the up coming Presidential elections. Neither candidate inspired me, although I was more clearly seeing McCain in this role. I am always discouraged by all the promises to "fix everything" when we all know that there are never easy fixes ahead. And the President can only do as much as Congress and the Senate will agree on. I think the Democrats are forgetting that they have been in control of the house lately, when they complain about the same old problems.

With the choice today of Sarah Palin I am excited and hopeful that I can walk into the voting booth and confidently place my vote. The reasons why may change as I learn more about this wife, mother, and governor. And I am not just focusing on her gender. I would also be happy with a man who held the values that she has so far displayed.

The most telling to me at this point is the fact that after having early screening of a pregnancy after 40, she and her husband did not let the disappointing news change their view of life.

Her strong anti-abortion record is so refreshing to hear. I am so weary of all the excuses made as to why pro choice is right for women. When leaders who profess to be Christian claim a pro choice view I can only wonder how they arrived at such a conclusion assuming they have read the Bible and listened when sitting in worship services. Can they really imagine Jesus saying to the woman at the well, "Your sins are forgiven, now go and if it happens again don't worry, you can get an abortion." Of course, I want to decrease the number of unwanted pregnancies! But that doesn't mean I am in favor of ending the life involved. It simply means I am in favor of encouraging lifestyle choices that do not promote the opportunity for an unwanted pregnancy.

Reading that Palin and her husband thanked God for "unspeakable joy" when their son arrived has me excited about the future and looking forward to election day.

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14