HAPPY AND JOY ARE TWO DIFFERENT WORDS

Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

I have not been happy lately. Not spending time with family members can make me sad instead of happy. Spending cherished moments with family can make me happy, very happy. I like feeling happy. Feeling deep down happiness, well... it makes me happy!

Happiness comes and it goes, depending on a multitude of different circumstances.

I was so happy to see my grandson receive awards for his hard work in middle school Band.

He was happy, too.

Happiness is fleeting and was soon stolen. The joy he brings to my life remains.

Spending time with my daughter at the beach on Mother's Day made us both happy.

Although the real reason we were there on Mother's Day makes me very sad.

Finding myself in a place I never dreamed I would encounter is more than enough to overwhelm my heart with grief. Still, the joy of the Lord remains my strength. Some things would be impossible to bear without that joy.

Even when I am unhappy, joy is with me. I have briefly felt that joy slipping after the death of a baby, while watching my children make life changing mistakes, and when I have made life changing mistakes myself. Thank God that joy is not dependant on my mood or circumstance.

During the past 6 months I have enjoyed many things. While the unhappiness fell like a fog around my heart, it could not permeate my heart. Only because of God's grace and mercy did it not find a home there.

Recently my daughter and son-in-law suffered the loss of a fifth unsuccessful pregnancy. How does my daughter remain hopeful? Why is she still smiling? Could it be because the joy of her faith in Christ gives her strength and hope?

The presence in my home of my only grandson has been denied me since November 15th, 2009. I am reminded of something he said to me and his papa last summer, "I guess ya'll are pretty lonely when I am not here." Neither of us knowing that soon we would find out just how lonely. At the time we had laughed and said, "Not really." We looked forward to his visits each week, however, we did not want him to feel responsible for our happiness.

Helpless to change the current circumstances over which I have no control, I had to do something. Sitting, helplessly waiting is not an option I am comfortable with. I needed to do something. Today I did this.

The yellow ribbon will remain until my grandson is free to visit again.

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! " Isaiah 30:18

On the Second Day of Christmas

After a wonderfully worshipful candle light communion service, I was leaving church when the day took a sudden wrong turn. Only one day after my daughter wrote this, my ears were assaulted with the words “Is your daughter pregnant again?” (My daughter was not with me so she could not appear to be pregnant.)
Unbelievable,and yet not, coming from the resident curiosity seeker. When I answered no and failed to make a hasty retreat, the questions disguised as concern came next. My pre-planned answer of Only God knows the answer to that would have encouraged her to ask again next week.

The desire to give a rude reply was strong for a flashing second. Just a few moments earlier I had felt so close to God and had felt so grateful to Jesus for the sacrifice He had made for me. I was not going to let a rude person steal this from me. So, I patiently told this woman the medical reason my daughter was not with child. It was none of her business and I knew she just wanted to be 'in the know'. Yet, I still tried to explain. Just as my daughter had said, it made no difference. I still got the 'well, you never know, it can happen." response.
I do know. It has happened! Weren't you listening?
What is wrong with people?? Only a very close friend could have the privilege of asking that question and a close friend would know not to ask.

I almost let this ruin a perfectly good '2nd Day of Christmas'. Almost.

“Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord;

keep watch over the door of my lips.”

Psalm 141:3

NO WORRIES

Today I ventured into Babies R Us to choose a gift for an upcoming shower. I had been in this store numerous times to purchase gifts for expectant or new Moms. I had even browsed here with my own daughter when she was pregnant.

Today I was caught off guard by the overwhelming emotion as I stepped through the door. My eyes darted quickly away from the racks of pink and blue onesies and tiny precious shoes. My heart suddenly felt so heavy. I turned towards the checkout counter and hurriedly grabbed a gift card.

One day I would walk through the aisles again and sigh over the adorable small creations, but not today. Today a gift card was the best I could do.

As I walked out into the sunshine of a perfect sun filled day, I did not see it. Tears threatened to turn into sobs. I took a deep breath and attempted push the pain away.

I think I must never show how much my heart breaks for her, and for me. I think I must forever be her cheerleader. But then I read this and know that today she is mine.

I Can Still Feel Him in My Arms

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

is observed by lighting candles on October 15 at 7:00 p.m.

to honor and remember our children.

~

I have felt that I didn't quite fit in this day because

I had not given birth to the infant I lost,

but God surely gave this baby to me.

My first child was not mine but I named him and I loved him.

Spencer was our first foster child.

He was brought straight from the hospital to our arms.

He was beautiful and no one knew at the time

that he had a heart murmur and cystic fibrosis.

His funeral was just 3 months later, on Christmas Eve .

It was a long time ago and yet, I can still feel him in my arms.

You never get over it, but

with God you get through it.

~

Today my daughter lit 4 candles and my heart breaks for her.

~

"..I knew you before I formed you in your mothers womb.."

Jeremiah 1:5

A Life is A Life, No Matter How Small

I believe what God's word says about life,

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you," Jeremiah 1:5

I vote life not pro choice. As far as I know my Christian friends vote the same way. Any of us would be quick to speak for pro life and against pro choice if we were asked our views. We would probably recite scripture to back up our claims. Why then do we act as if we do not believe this? How can we expect the world to understand our pro life view if we do not live as if we believe it.

When my daughter lost her third pregnancy we were heartbroken. We had viewed the ultrasound, we had prayed for the health of this child. We were devastated. Yet, when Christian friends asked how my daughter was doing and I replied, "She has lost her baby." (not a miscarriage) most said things like, "Oh, that happens, she can have another." Since when are human beings so easy to replace as in, "Oh, you dropped your cookie. Here, let me get you another one."

Thankfully there were a few who said, "I am so sorry. or I am sorry your family has to go through this." And I thank God for those few. Most asked intrusive questions, or made shocking remarks. Even from extended family. So much advice to be sifted through. My daughter, and me too, wanted to scream "This is the third time!"

Even her grandmother's first remark was, "How far was she?" This was the # one question. While we realize it is far more difficult to deal with losing a full term baby than an 11 week one, is one a greater tragedy than the other? That is IF we believe what we say we believe. A life is a life. It felt as if the compassion was rationed out based on how far along the pregnancy was.

Then I began to notice that people rationed out their joy and congratulations in the same way. When I announced to my morning exercise buddies that my daughter had just confided that she is pregnant, one of the women quickly remarked, "What is she, 5 days?" "Actually she is 5 weeks", I answered, and then proceeded to give a short lecture on why women do this to other women. Either you are pregnant or you are not pregnant. If you are pregnant then there is a life and if there is a life are we to ignore it until it is of a worthy age?

I think not. If there is life, then I have a grandchild on the way and it would be negligent of me to skip praying for that child because he or she was not "big enough" yet.

So, the result of all the thoughtless, and sometimes hurtful, remarks was that when my Daughter and Son-in-love were blessed with another pregnancy they decided to tell no one. They made this decision in order to avoid the painful remarks if things did not go well. They told me and my husband and my Daughter's boss and allowed me to share with a couple of friends who did not live nearby. So we had a very small prayer team. Eventually they allowed us to share with my son and his wife.

It is stressful keeping secrets, but the need was emphasized for me one Sunday when a friend at church asked about them. I simply said please pray and shared a recent story where an elderly relative had shook his finger at my daughter and said, "You better get to it." He did not know she was pregnant nor did he remember what she had gone through last spring. His shocking remark caused her to feel pressure to provide the family a child. Pressure she did not need. My "friend" said, "Daughter is hyper sensitive" and said it as a criticism. I became pretty hyper sensitive myself and I had to bite my tongue.

So we all held our breathes and prayed until the first ultrasound, all the while trying to hide our joy. A week after the first ultrasound there was a sign of trouble and another ultrasound was performed with a more hopeful outcome. During these weeks every time a the phone rang I was a little apprehensive about answering. When it was my daughter I didn't relax until I heard her sweet calm voice.

One day my daughter and I went shoe shopping and she allowed herself to walk through the baby section of the department store. Excitement creeping in at the thought of sweet babies.

Then came another ultrasound in December and thankfully a new, kinder and more compassionate doctor to give the dreaded news. Even the nurses in this practise said how sorry they were. And this time the hospital staff were even more compassionate because "it's her 4th loss. " For the rest of the world, my daughter dealt with this nightmare alone except for her husband and parents. This time there were no kind church members to bring food or friends to send flowers. We kept the secret so well that three days after undergoing surgery the two of them hosted our annual extended family Christmas party at their home and the guests didn't even know she had lost a child a few days before. Even writing that breaks my heart. They could have cancelled the party but then we would have had to explain why.

Grieving alone. All because we let others steal our joy. There are so many lessons to be learned through this. We shouldn't allow others steal our joy, live what you say you believe, and have mercy, show compassion and empathy for others pain or loss. All you need to do is say "I'm sorry" or simply give a warm hug. Neither of those things will take away the pain, but they won't add to it either. Allow women to grieve, don't try to sweep away their feelings. Every one's grief is different. I grieve not only for my grandchild but for the dream of motherhood for my child. I, also, grieve for my daughter's lost innocence. Life is hard and it is even harder to watch your children suffer. My daughter's grief is different from the worlds grief. She does not grieve as one without hope.

Grief seems more poignant at Christmas, perhaps because our thoughts are on a baby who came to save the world. There are so many reminders of God's love for us and He will magnify our Joy.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. "

James 1:2-3